Be Your Everything
by vanillaXtwilight
Summary: "The one thing I had been waiting for my entire life happens and I can't even be happy about it. All I can feel is guilt. Because I have a boyfriend and his name is not Jackson Avery." Just speculation for what's to come. Kinda AU. Set somewhere between 9x15 and 9x16. One-shot...might make it a two shot if people like it enough.


**Disclaimer: Grey's is not mine. If it was Mark Sloan would still be alive and giving Avery inappropriate yet sage advice all the time. *Sigh* But like I said, it's not. Read on.**

We were bound to run in to each other at some point, right? It was inevitable. We worked in the same place, after all. I just hadn't expected it to be so soon, I suppose. Nor had I expected to feel this way about it.

My heart plummets in to the lowest depths of my stomach and at the same time feels like it's lodged in my throat, cutting off all air supply. A vague memory surfaces of when his presence only caused my heart to flutter in my chest and I can't help but long to feel that way again.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply out of my nose, trying my best to shove all my thoughts of him away. I didn't have the right to think like that. At least, not after last night I didn't. Not after what I had done to him.

My grip tightens around the breakfast burritos I had just picked up from the cafeteria, unsure whether or not to approach him. His back is turned toward the nurses' station as he fills out the chart in front of him so I could only assume he has yet to have seen me. I can't help but wonder if he would still be standing there if he had. Not that I could blame him for running. I had done my fair share of running-when-times-got-tough. Maybe it was his turn.

Having to see each other when we least wanted to had become a constant in our relationship. We had done it after the shooting, before and after the Boards, then again when I had come back from Moline, and, most recently, after the break-up. Every time hurt worse than the last, but we always found a way to move past it, eventually. Somehow, we always come back to each other. This time would be no different.

That's what I have to keep telling myself, anyways. Because the hope that Jackson and I may one day be able to get past all of this is the only thing propelling my feet forward.

I place my food down on the counter and clear my throat once having reached the desk. Jackson quickly glances up, unsuspectingly, his eyes wide and friendly. The hope that I so desperately am clinging on to inflates within me like a balloon, if only for a moment. As it registers just who is standing next to him, his eyes narrow and he quickly flicks them back down to the chart. I let out a shaky breath I hadn't even been aware I was holding in as I search for my voice. "Hi," I finally manage to choke out, moving slightly lower in an attempt to make eye contact with him.

"Hey." He replies coldly, snapping his chart shut angrily.

As Jackson goes to step around me, my body reacts before brain can. His eyes bore in to me, with a distant, iciness to them that I'd never seen as I block his path of movement.

I knew when I came over here how likely it was he'd run away. I even understood his motives for doing so. And yet, when it came down to it, I just couldn't let him go that easily. It was going to take a fight to get him back but Jackson was…well, he was Jackson. And if these past few months had taught me anything about him, it was that he was worth the fight.

"Jackson…"

"April," he sighs, sounding exasperated as he pinches the bridge of his nose. "I don't want…" he groans, his eyes softer when he opens them. "I can't do this right now."

"_You can't do this _ever_._" I think, but bite my lip to keep from saying so. I can see all of the wounded feelings from last night coming to the surface, beneath the tell-tale color change of his eyes. His words from the previous night swirl around the inside of my brain like a hurricane.

A part of me is mad at him. As irrational as that sounds, it was true. But, seriously, who does that?! We both have…other people in our lives now. He wasn't supposed to say things like that to me anymore. And especially not _the_ thing. The one thing I had been waiting for and dreaming about for my entire life to happen. Now, it finally happens and I can't even be happy about it. All I can feel is guilt. Because I have a boyfriend and his name is not Jackson Avery. I might have broken his heart last night, but he broke mine too. So, yeah, a part of me was mad.

I open my mouth to reply but his low, humorless laugh cuts me off. "In fact," he says, a hint of malice in his tone, "let's just pretend it never happened." Jackson says, slightly glaring as he purposefully throws my own words back in to my face. As he goes to step around me once more, he sighs, "Alright?"

"No!" I practically shout back surprising even myself. "Not alright!" I say as I reach out, grabbing a hold of his arm to keep him in place. When I step in front of him again, I glance to my side at the nurse's station where a scattered few interns and nurses try to nonchalantly pick up every mumbled word passing between us. I clench my open hand at my side as I will myself not to roll my eyes at them. This was a hospital, not a tabloid. I roll my shoulders back confidently and move my hand down his arm to capture his wrist before leading him away from the prying eyes of every gossip-hound in sight.

When I find and empty exam room and drag him inside, I notice for the first time that he hasn't tried to fight me or pull away once. That small sensation of hope flutters in my chest again and I have to force myself brush it off if I had any hope of keeping my voice even when I finally find the words to speak.

I drop his wrist from my grasp as I begin to pace the room and instantly want it back. We never held hands much when we were…well, whatever we were. But when we did, it was nice. He would run circles over my skin with his thumb without even realizing it sometimes. It was so casual and sweet that it felt as though holding hands was something we had been doing forever.

"April..." Jackson starts impatiently, his voice bringing me back to reality.

"We can't just pretend it didn't happen, Jackson."

Jackson exhales deeply and bites the inside of his cheek, "I know."

"Then why did you…?"

"I know we can't pretend like it didn't happen, April, but if we don't, then what exactly do you suggest we do?" he snaps. As he fights to keep eye contact with me, all of the embarrassment, sadness, and heartbreak from the previous night engulfs me like a tidal wave.

"I want us to be…"

"Friends?" he practically spits out, his voice faltering slightly. "Well, we certainly saw how well that worked out, didn't we?"

His eyes glaze over and I am overcome with the sense to reach out and comfort him. It was almost instinctual for us to be each other's rock as this point. We had been through so much together that it just felt wrong not to be. I guess that train of thinking is what got us here in the first place.

"Jackson…" I sigh reaching out to touch his cheeks with both of my hands.

He reaches up, resting his hands on top of mine for a moment before slowly sliding them down his face, entangling them in the small space between. "I don't just want to be your friend, April." He says. "I want…" he pauses momentarily, swallowing back the lump forming in his throat. "I want to be the guy who works all day knowing that at the end of it, I get to come home to you. I want to be the guy who plans extravagant Valentine's Day outings for you. I want you to be the first and last face I see every day of my life." He squeezes my hands before reaching up and caressing my face. He sweeps his thumb against my cheek and the hint of smile forms against his lips as he searches my eyes for the right words, "I want to be your everything, April. So, no. I can't just be your friend."

I want to respond but it's becoming clearer with every passing second that I'm not supposed to. This is his way of saying goodbye.

My eyes fall shut of my own accord, storing this moment to memory, as he presses a light kiss against my forehead. It isn't until the door clicks shut behind him that I realize that he, along with any chance of a future we might have together, is gone for good. And it was all my fault.

_A/N: Hello there readers!_

_First off, I just want to say I was floored by your response to my last story. Anyone who took the time to review, thank you! I honestly can't tell you how much every review meant to me._

_On that note, I know this probably isn't my best work. It honestly just kind of wrote itself and I've never been good at judging my own work so this might just totally sucked. But I was inspired! After all, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and Grey's night. So pretty it's much a win-win. _

_If you've seen the sneak peek, tomorrow should have lots of great Japril moments but I wanted to write basically my predictions so that if I'm right I can be deemed a genius. I'm pretty sure (remember, this is just a prediction) that Jackson is going to say "I love you" tomorrow night. And I didn't want to ruin that moment by trying to write my own cause, let's face it, Shonda Rhimes does a pretty good job at writing those herself (Lexie's I love you to Mark, anyone?). And if he does, I'm pretty sure April isn't going to respond in the way any normal person would if Jackson Avery was confessing their love for them. So I thought I'd write a quick little "what happens after it all" from April's POV. _

_Like I said, I know it's not the best but if you could still review I would really appreciate it. Thanks again for reading and I hope tomorrow is just as good as I'm hoping it'll be! Fingers crossed!_

_P.S. This is unbeta-ed. So, all mistakes are my own._


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